Caught in the Middle

Sometimes I pass, I think. Sometimes I don’t. More or less, I’m identifiable as a trans person. Even with my masculine-leaning voice, even with my paw-sized hands, I still get she’d when people decide to gender me sometimes. (A lot of times they avoid gender altogether, which is awkward, but a good sign, I think.) I get called “that person” sometimes, too. But it’s still better than he and sir. 

I’m also getting to the point where some people I know who talk to me are talking to me differently. Talking to me more like they’d talk to female friends. And I can’t help thinking, maybe this is the part where it starts getting easier. Where I don’t have to think so much about being trans, and can think about being me. 
The other day at work was a first for me. A woman and her son (maybe 6 or 7) came in, and the son said something about “did you give it to him to buy?” And I was shocked when she actually corrected him. “That’s a she,” she said. He looked confused, and she pointed out that I had the same name as her. And even though the rest of the day was terrible, I just kept thinking, someone actually corrected my pronouns on my behalf, and respected my identity without me having to do anything. That has never happened before. And it felt really good. I wasn’t even wearing makeup. For once, my name tag helped me out. 
I haven’t worn male-marketed clothes in almost a year, but at the same time, my feminine wardrobe is pretty lacking. I don’t have anything very formal, and I don’t have a very wide selection. Jeans and long sleeve shirts. A few dresses a couple skirts. I find myself trying to buy new things for each season now, trying to feel out what I like and what works for my body type. I like dresses,  but it’s hard to find ones I like because sleeveless still isn’t an option for me. I like skirts, but finding ones that don’t make me look like a stick with no hips is hard, too.  
But being in the middle isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. My path is kind of working itself out as I go, and what I need to do next reveals itself as I need to do it. That I’m in the middle now means I’m making progress, and though it’s not as fast as I would like, as long as I’m moving forward things will be okay. 
If youre going to fight like a grrrl, retreat is not an option. 
-Natalie
Update: I’m going for my first consultation for hair removal next week. Sooner than I’d planned, but not soon enough. 
My night boss managed to call me “he” over the radio last night, then correct it, which is in a way, kinda worse because it just draws attention. Then five minutes later I overheard him using my old name with another employee. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard. You can always tell the people who don’t try or don’t use your name or pronouns when you’re not around, because they’re the ones who do things like that. 
The media (TV, radio, magazines) is a transphobic garbage dump lately. Pretty much every time I watch something or listen to the radio I hear a trans joke, anatomy based gender stereotypes (enough with the balls=strong and masculine, and pussy=weak and feminine), or someone mocking Bruce Jenner. I already posted on that, but it bears repeating.  
Here’s hoping next week is better. 

One thought on “Caught in the Middle

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