So I was at work awhile back, and a piece of equipment needed to be fixed. A couple of guys came in, and I noticed the one, in particular. A young, short, Matt Damon looking guy, complete with the accent. And every once in awhile, I’d look over at him, involuntarily. He asked to borrow my badge to get in and out once, and I gave it to him, still on the lanyard with my keys and the “please use she/her/hers pronouns” button, and the badge that says Natalie. And when he gave it back, I have to admit, I was kinda hoping he would say something like, “thanks, sweetie.”
He didn’t, but that’s not the point. I was never interested in guys before I started to transition. Until a couple months ago, even. But then out of the blue, I started to wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend… the problem is, I don’t know what it means. The two possibilities I’ve narrowed it down to are these:
1. I’m now attracted to both men and women. It’s been known to happen after being on hormones for awhile.
2. I’m attracted to the idea of men, because having a boyfriend would help me be percieved as more feminine.
Or maybe both. What I do know is that I saw this guy, and the idea of him taking me out to dinner and saying nice things to me did cross my mind, even though logically I knew it wouldn’t happen. But that’s what really made me start thinking about it. And as time went on, I started to realize that I was more romantically attracted to guys than any other way. Sexually, I’m still not very interested most of the time. Not like I’m interested in women. That said, I do notice good looking guys. Again, not so much as I notice girls, but… But I still don’t know what that means yet.
So what if it turns out I am bisexual or pansexual? It would make dating a little more dangerous, for one. Men are more likely to react violently when they find out someone is trans. I would possibly have to deal with coming out to some people again, but I’m already trans and a lesbian, so no biggie.
Not having a label is a bit disconcerting, but a bit freeing, too. It made me realize I can like whoever I want to like, and not worry about what to call it. I can like people, not genders or genitals. And I guess that would make me pansexual, if I did need to label it. But time will tell. And until then, who cares? Let me like who I like, and you like who you like.
So fight like a grrrl to fight for freedom to not be looked down upon for liking a grrrl. Or a guy. Or a nonbinary person.
Update: I watched this movie the other night, and it made me cry. Not many movies do that to me. This one was called Boy Meets Girl, and the main character is a trans girl. Played by a real trans girl. Who wore pigtails. And had a low voice. I love this movie. The aren’t a whole lot of movies that trans people can relate to, but this is for sure one. Watch it. It’s worth it.
Also, let me know what you want to read about. Questions you might have about the trans experience, etc. I want your input! Leave me a comment.