The pitfalls of dating while trans are many. And for a lot of us, online dating is the best, safest option. But even then, it’s no walk in the park. I’ve been called a tranny, hit on by gay guys, asked if I would like to be pleasured orally, told they liked femme men, been told nobody wants me (because I don’t have sex with people I don’t know well), and a bunch of other stuff. And in the few months I’ve been on, I’ve learned a lot of things.
1. Never, ever meet someone you have doubts about – I’ve met one person irl so far. Another trans girl. And only after we talked daily for over 2 weeks. We had a couple dates and decided we weren’t a good match, but I was comfortable meeting her. I make sure I talk to everyone extensively, bring up trans issues, and contradict points to see reactions. And if I don’t like what I hear… Block. At the very least, I have a pretty good sense of what people are looking for after a few questions.
2. Let them talk – pay attention to what topics they talk about, and what questions they ask . If someone keeps bringing it back to sex, or how “beautiful” I am, it’s a short conversation. I’ll only talk to people who actually talk about their life, and hobbies, and let me get to know better who they actually are. If you can’t explain why you messaged me without telling me because of how I look, or because I’m trans (and there are many), then I’m not interested.
3. A lot of these men are clueless – you can be directly mean, and they still don’t get it. They’ll keep trying until… Block.
4. Women message far less – probably because of said guys. But the women who do message or reply are usually looking for a threesome, because hey, your trans, you’re not a girl, so I’ll still like you, and you’re not really a guy, so my boyfriend can explore his love of penis without calling himself gay.
5. Use your instinct – even if you can’t pinpoint why you don’t feel totally comfortable with someone, your brain knows why. Don’t force it.
Basically, because I work pretty much always and am not very interested in social hobbies, online is the only way to go for me right now. But I’m beginning to realize that I don’t need someone else to fulfill me. I can be patient, and if something happens, something happens.
And more importantly, I’m learning to not let comments and attitudes like the ones I opened with bother me too much. It says more about them than it does about me.
Fight like a grrrl to let men know they can’t treat women like property, and to let everyone know that trans women are women, and not a fantasy, or feminine men. And as my friend once told me, “don’t let the turkeys get you down.”