I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it did. That is, I stopped considering myself “transitioning.” What does that mean, exactly? Am I where I want to be as far as transness is concerned? Am I content with my body? Do I feel “whole”? Well, no. Not really. I still have a long way to go. There are still many things about my body I’m unhappy with (some that are changeable, some that I will have to deal with forever). And I feel like I still have a lot of hill to climb, yet. But It feels like I’m on the other side. I still don’t really pass a whole lot. Maybe never will. People still call me “he” on a daily basis. My license still has an “m” on it.
But I’m not in that awkward “transitioning” stage anymore. That middle ground of not being comfortable with the gender you were assigned, but also not feeling like you’ve “earned” the right to call yourself what you are. I still only very rarely correct people who call me “he.” I still don’t know any fancy hair tricks. But I also don’t hesitate to tell people my name, afraid of their reaction, anymore. I don’t hesitate to describe myself as she in conversations, and I can finally get my hair to stay still and look presentable for more than 10 minutes. I don’t have to convince myself that I’m a “real girl” anymore. I’m not terrified of wearing dresses and skirts in public anymore, or saying and doing things that aren’t masculine enough for the man I never was. I am still afraid of doing things that are branded too masculine for a woman, to a point, though. And that’s still something I need to learn to get over.
But the point is, there are some days where I don’t hate looking in the mirror anymore. And even some days where I hit it just right, and I just sit there and stare at myself because I can. Because I never thought I could ever be who I am. But I am. Are there still bad days? Sure. Lots. But I don’t think those ever really go away. You just learn to deal better. Another big thing I realized was that I’m not 100% focused on transition, and nothing else. When it’s something you’ve thought about for so long, its hard not to. But being trans is starting to become just part of the routine. I take my meds without thinking about it most of the time. I don’t watch/listen to/read every single trans thing I can possibly find (though i do still read a lot, because it still is very important to me). I make sure there’s no bulge when i put on tight jeans, like it’s just something people do. I have normal hobbies that don’t involve researching surgeries. It’s all becoming as normal as being trans can possibly be. And that’s a really good thing.
In this last year, this blog has allowed me to tell you my worries, fears, hopes, and secrets. I’ve opened my heart and showed you around. And you made this possible by reading each and every week. So thank you. I never thought it would last this long, or get as big as it did.
And that’s why I have to kill the thing I love. I want to remember it as something successful, and important, and not something that just fizzled out. As something that I wanted to do, and not just another obligation. I said what I wanted to say, and you all listened. I tried to teach, you took time out of your day every week to try to learn. And now it’s time to keep using what you learned to help me and people like me live normal, safe lives. To teach others, and stand up.